you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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