I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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