turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
