Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
