Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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