So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
two words...techno handjob
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
