i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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