i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
