Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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