There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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