I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
