I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
