Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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