is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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