Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize