You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
