Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Can I color on your dick again?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
