I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize