today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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