roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
