we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
