I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
