Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
