and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
