I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
