too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
