I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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