Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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