did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize