hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
