you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize