She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
