u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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