While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize