It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
