god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
