i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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