he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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