I wish I could teleport
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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