I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
