He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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