he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
