I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
