Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
