Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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