he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize