She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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