I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
