There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
