I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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