it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
