Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
