cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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