I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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