We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
