Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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