I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
