i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
