I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
