Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize