If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
