My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
