Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
