I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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