I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
