that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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