After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
