Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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