how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize