So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
