Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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