Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
