I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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